How does a UU walk on water? She waits until winter.
You may be a Unitarian Universalist if…
You think socks are too formal for a Summer service. You think the Holy Trinity is “reduce, reuse and recycle.” You think “Whatever” is a valid theological point. You think a Holy day of Obligation is your turn to bring coffee hour treats. You know at least two people who are upset that trees had to die for your church to be built.
The many answers to…
Q: What is a Unitarian Universalist?
A: Someone who believes in life before death.
A: An atheist with children.
A: Just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; we accept the light bulb the way it is.
A: There is no fixed number but the committee must have a quorum.
A: None; UUs aren’t afraid of the dark.
Q: Why are UUs the worst hymn singers?
A: Because they’re always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.
Q: What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
A: All dressed up with no place to go.
Q: Do UUs ever pray?
A: Only when they think a Democrat is going to lose an election.
Q: Do UUs believe that god answers prayers?
A: Yes, all of them–the answer is either yes or no.
Q: What are the Unitarian Universalist sacraments?
A: Doubt, Argument, and Voting.
Q: What do you get if you put two Unitarian Universalists together?
A: Three opinions.
The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher asked one, “What are you drawing a picture of?” “I’m drawing a picture of God,” was the reply.
“But nobody knows what God looks like,” objected the teacher.
“They will,” said the UU child, “when I get my picture done.”
A rabbi, a UU minister, and a Wiccan priestess decide to go on a fishing trip together. They go down to their local lake, rent a boat, and go out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio became hungry – and realized that they had left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down … beginning to eat his lunch.
“You should have gotten all of our lunches!”, scolds the priestess. She then gets up, walks across the lake, picks up her lunch as well as the Rabbi’s, walks back across the lake, and sits down … handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. Finally, he manages to sputter.. “Wha.. what… how did you…?”
The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks “Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?”
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies “… what rocks?”
Famous Universalist minister Hosea Ballou argued with a Methodist colleague over the issue of eternal damnation.
The Methodist asserted, “if I were a Universalist and feared not the fires of hell, I could hit you over the head, steal your horse and saddle and ride away, and I’d still go to heaven!”
Ballou answered, “If you were a Universalist, the idea would never occur to you!”